


Indescribable Emotion

by tea (SPICEandTEA)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Brooding, Comeback, Comfort, Competing, Defeat, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Loss, M/M, Post-Series, Relationship Development, Victor's return, Victory, Worlds, Yuuri is precious, anxious yuuri, conflicting emotions, just let the guy feel, silver medal, silver medalist, they can ge through it together, world championships, yuuri's emotions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 08:52:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10330988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SPICEandTEA/pseuds/tea
Summary: The feeling is indescribable, getting on the podium at Worlds. It's something little boys and girls dream about their first year in Juniors, something retired skaters close their eyes and try to relive. Being top three on the entire planet, Yuuri can't describe the feeling. It seems surreal, overwhelming, unprecedented...and incredibly incomplete.--Yuuri loves Viktor more than anything, but sometimes he wants to win for himself. It isn't selfish or cruel, it's just the way it is. Yuuri needs to come to terms with that.





	

The feeling is indescribable, getting on the podium at Worlds. It's something little boys and girls dream about their first year in Juniors, something retired skaters close their eyes and try to relive. Being top three on the entire planet, Yuuri can't describe the feeling. It seems surreal, overwhelming, unprecedented...

and incredibly incomplete.

He bites the inside of his cheek as he smiles for the camera, closing his eyes so the flashes don't blind him. When he looks up, he sees the most beautiful sight in the world: his fiancé grinning at him, gold around his neck, staring at Yuuri with complete bliss in his eyes. Like he did lying on the ice after his free skate at the Cup of China. Like he did during their exhibition skate at the Grand Prix Final. Like he did on their wedding night. It is a dream come true, it really truly is. Getting gold and silver, being on top of the world together, the feeling is indescribable.

But, for some reason, it isn't enough.

The silver around Yuuri's neck feels like a weight sinking him into the ocean. It shines and the glare blinds him. It shifts on his chest and burns him. As Viktor brings him and the bronze winner (was it Otabek? Chris? Yuuri doesn't remember) on the top spot for more pictures, Yuuri smiles. He wraps an arm around Viktor's waist, who in turn kisses Yuuri's cheek, and smiles.

And it hurts him.

\---

"Yuuri! Come on, everyone is waiting!"

Viktor has him by the hand, dragging him to the conference room. "I want to tell the world how magnificent we are! I want to tell them that I knew I could coach and compete at the same time. Gold and silver, Yuuri! I want them to know how happy we are."

Yuuri smiles, but tries to break his grasp. 

"Viktor, I just need a second for myself… okay? A lot's happened in the last half hour. And, well…just let me sit in the locker room for a bit. I'll come right out..."

Viktor turns and lets go of his hand, the warm smile still on his face. He knows Yuuri more than anyone and respects his needs even if they contradict Viktor's own. Since Yuuri is easily overwhelmed, Viktor gives him his space when he needs it. It's one of the many reasons he loves him. 

"Of course! But if you take too long, I'm going to come get you, okay?"

Yuuri leaves him with a peck on cheek and runs to the locker room, waiting to hear the door shut before he sits on a bench and holds himself close, trying to keep himself together.

How can someone feel so happy and so devastated at the same time?

He got gold at Japanese Nationals, gold at Four Continents, but that's because Viktor wasn't competing. Is this how Chris constantly feels? Always so close but never good enough? Yuuri squeezes his eyes shuts, puts his head between his knees. He should be used to it. He spent his whole life being close to perfection, so close to first but having something holding him back. But this time nothing held him back. He skated his best and he still lost. He lost to Viktor.

Yuuri chokes down a sob. Maybe that's why it hurts so much. He's so happy for Viktor, so proud of him, in awe that he could take off a season and come back and win Worlds. He worked so hard both as a competitor and coach, put more hours in than anyone else all because he loves him, and Yuuri still feels bitter. He loves Viktor more than anything, more than skating even. He couldn't be happier for him. His sixth World Championship. Viktor Nikiforov was born to make history.

But Yuuri wanted to win.

He wanted to win so bad. For the first time in his life, he genuinely believed he could do it. Viktor got silver at Russian Nationals, bronze at Europeans. He had a chance to finally beat his idol. It was possible for him. To beat the Viktor plastered on the walls of his room. He finally had the skill and experience to do it. He just couldn't deliver. Again.

"Oh..." Yuuri breathes as he sits up in the locker room, soaked in tears and sweat. He's not upset that he lost to Viktor, his husband and coach. He's upset he lost to Viktor Nikiforov, Russian skating legend, the one thing in his life he constantly tried to attain.

Sometimes Yuuri hated his own head. He wishes he could trade it in for a new one.

"Yuuri!!" Viktor runs into the locker room singing. He's elated and oh-so beautiful. Yuuri hates himself a little more. "The crowds are waiting for the couple of the hour to appear! Where are you?"

"S-sorry Viktor. I'm coming," Yuuri says quickly, rubbing his face. Viktor turns passed a row lockers and sees him sitting on the bench. He's on his knees in front of him instantly.

"Yuuri, my Yuuri, what's wrong? Did someone say something to you? What happened?" he whispers, taking both of Yuuri's hands into his own.

Yuuri squeezes his eyes shut. He can't ruin this for Viktor, can't let his selfish competitiveness take over. This is everything they wanted, everything they talked about at practice. He refuses to ruin it.

He opens his eyes and he lets the tears fall. 

"I'm just so proud of you, Viktor. I'm...I'm so happy..." 

He smiles like he means it, because he does. 

Viktor smiles back, his eyes soft. He brings Yuuri closer and places a kiss on his hairline. "Thank you, Yuuri," he whispers, "I've heard it from a lot of people today but, of course, it means the most when I hear it from you."

His lips move to Yuuri's ring.

"And I'm so proud of you too, Yuuri. You were immaculate out there. The picture of beauty. Standing on the podium with you tonight was the happiest moment of my life..."

Yuuri tries to laugh but it sounds like a dying animal. How can Viktor be so perfect, so gracious? It makes Yuuri's stomach flip. 

"I'm okay now, Viktor..." Yuuri says, rubbing his eyes again. "I'm ready."

They stand up together, hand in hand, and walk to the door. Viktor puts a finger to his lips.

"Worlds silver-medalist Katsuki Yuuri, your people await."

The doors open and the flashing begins once again. Yuuri smiles and walks through the crowds holding Viktor's hand. This time he doesn’t pull away. He doesn't let go.


End file.
